Inbox for Sn: Pai Sho - Avalon

[uncle_iroh]

(Please note that Iroh still does not quite understand his phone so... this will be.... interesting.)

"My nephew tells me that I should ask you to leave a message. He says he will show me where to find that message once I have one. So please, leave a message."

Comments

Re: girjoskf hope c doesn't mind me handwaving this haha

[uncle_iroh]

"Perhaps we should all have tea together."

[All being an elastic word, at need.]

[rediscovering]

We definitely should.

[ Zuko's smile can be heard in his voice.

It's short-lived. He and Aang have a lot to catch up on. Much more than Zuko even knows... And once he finds out how little he knows, he's not gonna be so smiley. ]

[uncle_iroh]

"Good. Let us see how to set that up."

text; several hours later, well after nightfall

[rediscovering]

[ Regardless of whatever Iroh says in response, Zuko doesn't respond again for many hours more. But Iroh will get a text later that night — maybe around 22:00, which is late for these early-rising firebenders. That's basically bedtime! And indeed, Zuko's coming over for a, uh... impromptu slumber party... ]

uncle im coming over

Re: text; several hours later, well after nightfall

[uncle_iroh]

"Alright. I shall put on tea."

action;

[rediscovering]

[ Of course he'll put on tea... Zuko doesn't want any tea, but he knows better than to tell Iroh so. He'll make it anyway. It doesn't matter.

The boy shows up within what feels like moments — had he already been on his way? Surely. He knocks at the door with loud, dense pounds of his fist. He's scowling when Iroh answers the door, deeper than usual, doesn't even try to smile or say hi. And... he has a black duffle bag full of stuff with him on one shoulder, and Zunyan perched on the other shoulder, wrapped around Zuko's neck in part. Zuko has the hood of his black sweatshirt up, and looks thoroughly disgruntled, far more so than Iroh had seen him in a long time, and disheveled, too. In fact, his hair is messy beneath the hood, his jeans are covered in dirt for some reason, and his good eye looks mildly puffy; and upon a closer look, for someone who knows the boy's face as well as Iroh does, the faint freckles of burst capillaries beneath the thin skin of his right undereye, his brow still knotted so deeply in frustration it almost hurt — the face of someone who's been crying and screaming furiously. And the look of someone who's clearly expecting an impromptu sleepover. ]

Re: action;

[uncle_iroh]

He pulled the boy into a hug. Answers and explanations could wait. Zuko needed him, and had come to him. So he would be here for the boy.

[rediscovering]

He hugs Iroh back, but loosely, and it's quick before he pulls away and makes his way inside without a word. He's not in the mood to be touched. He sets his bag on the floor next to the couch, but doesn't sit. He sets the dragon on the couch to sit, but it just hops off with a little flap of its wings and scurries over to Iroh, standing on its hind legs with its claws snagging the old man's clothing — pick me up, pick me up, as if to say. Zuko may not want to be touched, but Zunyan does. This was a distressing night for the little dragon, too, clearly. Meantime, Zuko just sets to pacing across the center of the room, dragging both his hands alongside his temples and all the way back across his scalp and down his neck, self-soothingly. He doesn't say a word right away. Just paces.

[uncle_iroh]

He scooped up the little dragon and closed the door before getting their tea. He set it on the table and stood with the table and tea between them to give Zuko the space he seemed to want. "Do you want to talk about it?"

[rediscovering]

The dragon nuzzles itself rather frenetically against Iroh where it's held, frantic little claws twisting to find the most comfortable spot in the old man's grasp, squirmy but desperate for love, hello. It's in crisis too?! And Zuko's not comforting it! It needs to be held! Look at them, in distress together...

Zuko's content to pace anxiously, though he does stop for a step to glance at the tea when Iroh comes and sets it down. As if considering his options: to calm down or to talk about it. He shoots his look away from the teaset sharply, waving his arms in the air dismissively as he turns to pick up the pace again. But still he says nothing. Until finally...

"...Mother is alive!"

His voice breaks, volume erratic, not at all using his inside voice. His tone shatters any calm Iroh's trying to establish here. He's just gonna drop that bomb, just like that, yup.

There is no such thing as an icon that works for Iroh at this moment.

[uncle_iroh]

Iroh pet the little dragon as he watched his nephew pace. He wasn't sure what was wrong, but he was certain that whatever it was, they could weather it. Together. So he thought he was ready for anything.

Anything but that.

It was only down to his years that he managed not to drop the Familiar - or his jaw - to the floor. He needed to understand what exactly Zuko meant to have any idea what to do from there. Because for the first time in years he was utterly blank. "She is here?" he asked, voice faking calm, as though he could pass some of that to the boy.

[rediscovering]

"No, but she's alive! Aang told me! So I confronted Azula about it..."

...And now he's here. Pacing and looking an emotional wreck. So clearly that went well...

[uncle_iroh]

"And Azula knew," he finished, gravely. Had it just been Azula, he would have doubted. Despite how it might have seemed, however, he trusted the Avatar. Which meant that rather than suspicion, anger was roiling within him. He did his best to keep it contained, but was not as successful as he usually was. He had chosen to tell everyone other than Zuko that he was from an earlier time to give his niece a chance. They had not even spoken yet and he was already finding cause to think he had wasted his efforts.

[rediscovering]

"We agreed from the start it was best for her not to reveal anything about the future, but — I didn't think she was hiding something like that! And! And! Now I know there was no point to even hiding anything at all, because Gokudera confirmed that we don't remember anything about these places when we go home!" How can Gokudera confirm that? A long story Zuko's too hysterical to tell. "So in the end there was no reason for withholding this knowledge in the first place! I'd been afraid it would affect my future if I knew too much, too early — I was afraid it'd fuck up something about all this time and space travel... But deciding not to know only affected my present! It only fucked up my judgment! I thought that if Azula wasn't trying to fight me, that whatever happened in the future, we must have built a truce — that that was enough to build a truce now... It was in her best interests not to tell me anything, though — of course she agreed not to divulge any details! How could I be so stupid?! Ugh!"

He'd not usually be so crass around Iroh, but hanging out with Gokudera the past half a year has worsened the prince's language, and he's entirely too overwhelmed to hear himself right now. He slaps himself in the face with a groan, keeping his hand pressed over his eye in frustration, both eyes pinched shut because seeing is overstimulating the more worked up he gets. He feels so blind, anyway.

[uncle_iroh]

"Language, Zuko," he admonished. mostly to buy time to get his own emotions under control.

"Aside from if we do or do not remember, there are somethings that should not have been kept secrets. There are reasons, sometimes to keep a large secret. But Azula does not have the experience necessary to make such a decision." Which was the far far politer version of what he actually wanted to say. "It was not hers to make. The question is, now, Zuko, what do we do with what we now know?"

[rediscovering]

"I don't know! I was the one who told her not to tell me anything, she just listened to me — am I supposed to be mad at her?! She technically didn't do anything... This was all years ago for her! But I'm furious! Of course I'd wanna know that, she should have known I'd want to know that, I just didn't know it was— ugh! I don't know what to do, Uncle!"

His latent tenderness is conflicted by this budding friendship with Azula he'd tenuously built over the past half year... In order to preserve the peace they've designed together, the trust they've redefined, Zuko's come to have blurry eyes trying to differentiate between empathy and forgiveness, and justification and rationalization. Is he seeing things from a new, kinder perspective; or is he being manipulated into not 'abandoning' his sister, as she put it, when he probably should? This question has bothered him before, but now with Aang's big reveal, it's even more seering. His face feels hot and he feels the lump returning to his throat, so he just shakes his head and drags his hands down his face with some pressure, and returns to his pacing.

[uncle_iroh]

He walked around the table to rest a hand n the boy's shoulder. "What we will do now, we will figure out together. We should speak to the Avatar and see what he knows. We will try to see if any others have returned home and then here again to see if the experience is universal. We will learn, and from there, decide."

And he is adding this to his mental list for if and when he encounters Azula himself.

[rediscovering]

Zuko nods, closing his eyes to hide the fact that they're growing wet with tears he's barely willing not to fall. His voice is hoarse with emotion when he speaks, taking a second to swallow the lump in his throat and pretend to compose himself before he tries to say anything.

"...Tomorrow, Uncle. I'm tired. I want to stay here tonight." Like that wasn't already obvious with his duffle bag and general disposition. "...Maybe for a few nights, actually."

He's overwhelmingly thankful his uncle is here for this. That hand on his shoulder carries the weight of the world to him right now in exactly the way he needs. Gokudera had helped him prior to meeting Azula earlier that night, but after having actually confronted Azula now, the only person in the world who could comfort him, he felt, was standing here in front of him, making plans of his own.

Sorry I lack a good icon for this.

[uncle_iroh]

He nodded, then kissed his nephew lightly on the cheek. He would have gone for the top of the head, but hight differences are a thing.

"Tomorrow then. But Zuko, know this. No matter what happens, whatever you learn or chose to do... you are not in this alone."

it's cuuuute it's good~

[rediscovering]

"...Yeah. But Azula is," he mumbles, throwing his gaze aside. The show of affection is finally enough to calm him, though, and at long last he takes a seat on the couch, collapsing more than sitting, looking forlorn. He's not too tired to talk... just to tired to talk to the Avatar.

Re: it's cuuuute it's good~

[uncle_iroh]

"She has made her own choices. There is only so much that we can shield her from that, and less that we should. It is fine line to walk, Prince Zuko. Protect someone too little and they could be badly hurt or die, they could break, they could change as a response to that pain in ways that they can never recover from. Protect someone too much and they never learn or grow, they never change at all. Everyone who tries to protect anyone ever will make mistakes sometimes, Zuko." He certainly had. "But that too is something we learn from."

[rediscovering]

Zuko's quiet for a long moment, trying to process those words with all the new information and new perspectives he'd been given today, from Aang, from Gokudera, from Azula, from Iroh... all the people he turns to for new information and new perspectives. Just. Not usually all at once. He's overwhelmed.

"...No one protected Azula from Father," he says decisively, after his ruminative pause, not meeting Iroh's eye. "Mother left to protect me. But for Azula, she just left." He pauses once more, then turns his gaze to Iroh at last, something painful in it, the same vague and painful something tugging at the tone of his voice.

"...I know the whole story now. Do you want to know what really happened?"

[uncle_iroh]

"Do not think that no one has tried. But Azula would no more be protected then you would be persuaded away from what you thought you had to do," he said gently.

"But yes, we can sit together with tea while you tell me."

[rediscovering]

Zuko nods, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before reaching for one of the teacups Iroh had sat down on the table. He sips it quietly with lowered lashes at first, not sure where to start. It was all so much. But he figures the best place to start… is the beginning. Even though he knows Iroh already likely knows much of the situation, or had guessed as much, it’s all news to Zuko, and worth reconstructing out loud now that he’s had time to process. He sighs before beginning, gaze fixed on the floor between his feet as he speaks.

“…The day we received the letter announcing Cousin Lu-Ten’s death, Father arranged an audience for all of us together with Grandfather Azulon. After Grandfather dismissed us to speak to Father privately, Azula and I hid behind the curtain in the throne room to eavesdrop…” He pauses, worrying his lip. He was only eleven; Azula was only nine. But he hates to bring up Lu-Ten or Ozai’s betrayal this way. Yet at the same time… it’s crucial context.

“Father begged Grandfather to revoke your birthright because you no longer had a bloodline as the firstborn without your family. But Grandfather was furious, Uncle, it was scary… I ran away, so I didn’t hear this myself, but, um— Azula stayed. And told me what she heard later. Grandfather punished Father for daring to suggest such betrayal when you were in such pain — by the same price you paid. The life of his firstborn son. I thought Azula was just messing with me back then and lying like she always did, but now I know it was true… And, um—“

He glances up at Iroh but then quickly away again, feeling highly uncomfortable relaying the poor old man’s role in the context of all this as it all becomes more concrete as he hears himself recap everything aloud. It’s truly awful. His face is gradually awash with more and more emotion, especially after his short pause to really realize the story he’s telling here, in regards to Iroh himself. A painstricken look. Uncomfortable. But empathetic still.

“…Mother overheard us talking about it. And, uh— took Azula away to find out more, I guess. Um— But …Azula wasn’t lying about Grandfather telling Father to kill me. And, um—“

He stops short, eyes darting the other way again. He can’t continue; he’s hitching here. But he knows he needs to reveal this to Iroh. But how can he? He’s talking about Iroh’s father… Azulon may not have been as loving as Ursa, but he was certainly not as hateful as Ozai. What’s more, will this change Iroh’s feelings toward Ursa, whom the man had always known to be doting of his nephew, a shared interest in the prince’s well-being and protection from Ozai — will this change Iroh’s feelings toward Zuko, he worries? He looks as frazzled as he feels.

I had to reup the paid for this thread...

[uncle_iroh]

This.... This was painful to hear. And as Much as Iroh could usually push his own pain aside to put on the face that Zuko needed to see...

This was perhaps the hardest it has ever been. And he did not succeed. At least, not fully. He sat and listened, head bowed, hands closed together pressed between his knees. Parts of this he had known, but in truth... not much. Between how destroyed he had been when he arrived home and the questionable verisimilitude of the sources he hadn't focused much on it at the time.

He wished he could be surprised that his brother had tried something like that at that time, in that way. But the truth was, given how things played out, he could not. Of course at the time, he hadn't cared. He hadn't wanted to be Fire Lord. He had just come face to face with the reality of their so-called attempts to unite and civilize the world. Instead of observing and learning from the wall at Ba Sing Se, he had been sending innocent youths to die against it.

He had been questioning everything. But even now, even after everything that happened... Some part of him had wanted to believe there was some part of the brother he had loved left in the man his brother had become.

But in some ways he had come to expect by this point, here and now, the cruelty of his brother's single focused fixation with power.

But to hear what his father had ordered. That... That was new to him. And freshly painful because it was new. How could his father have thought that he would be what he would have wanted?

No... it had never been about what Iroh would have wanted. It wasn't about making Iroh feel justice had been done. It had been about power. About having a son who dared to question his judgment. His choice. It had never been about Lu-Ten or Iroh.

Iroh had long since lost any belief that his father had been a just or good man. But this...

Zuko was like a second son to Iroh now, and even before Iroh had always loved the boy. But even if he had not. Even if all love was removed from the equation - and clearly for Iroh's father and brother it had been - for a man to order his own grandson killed... to punish the boy's father for the father speaking out of turn....

For a leader to do it especially. But then he had long since understood that neither his brother nor his father ever truly understood what it took to be a real leader.

His shoulders shook as he listened, as it all washed over him. At the disgusted moment when he realized that what his brother had done to Zuko for talking out of turn was - in comparison - kind. It disgusted him.

The casual reminder within all of this that Azula would have lied about something like this just for the sake of amusement.

If not for Zuko... Iroh would think there was no good in the family at all. He knew it was not within him, himself. But Zuko was proof that there was at least something in their line worth loving and caring for. He was the hope for their family.

More than being a Fire Lord to a broken Fire Nation shattered by generations of unjust war... being the good in such a family was the heaviest weight to bear. And all Iroh could do was to do his best to help give Zuko strength.

He realized that Zuko had stopped speaking. Was waiting. Probably for him to reply. But for once no words came. He had none to offer. No wisdom, no comfort. Nothing. He knew that clearly Zuko had not died. That his own father had. That Zuko's mother was gone, but now knew she was not dead. He knew he had been pushed aside from the throne. But he didn't know what connected all of that, what happened next.

He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. But he knew that Zuko needed to tell him. Needed him to be strong enough to hear it.

But he wasn't sure he was. His nephew was all he had left, all the purpose left to his life. Being strong for Zuko. And he didn't know if he was equal to the task.

He knew tears were falling from his eyes. He knew Zuko needed him to be strong so her could listen and give Zuko the support he needed, the comfort, the strength to go forward. He had told himself once, that he would do whatever Zuko needed him to do, to be whatever Zuko needed him to be. Many times since he had feared that he had failed. But Zuko had always come through on the other end, had always survived. But now... Now he knew he was failing. He could even see how to not fail. All he had to do was nod, tell Zuko he was listening and then listen. He just had to come up with the right thing to say.

All that time he spent in a Fire Nation cell pretending to be crazy, pretending to be a fat old slob who was washed up and weak and pathetic, he thought... had had thought after that he could convince anyone of anything. He was wrong.

He couldn't find the words to comfort his boy. To help him. He couldn't find the strength to be what Zuko needed. He couldn't manage to do anything but sit beside the boy, too locked in his own pain to be of any help.

So. He was to be, in the end, as selfish and self centered as his brother then. And like everyone else in their family, he too was to fail Zuko.

He had failed Lu-Ten.

He had clearly failed Azula.

What had made him think that he could be strong enough to not fail Zuko?