Inbox for Sn: Pai Sho - Avalon
May. 15th, 2021 04:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
uncle_iroh(Please note that Iroh still does not quite understand his phone so... this will be.... interesting.)
"My nephew tells me that I should ask you to leave a message. He says he will show me where to find that message once I have one. So please, leave a message."
Re: text; several hours later, well after nightfall
Date: 2021-06-03 07:37 pm (UTC)action;
Date: 2021-06-03 08:42 pm (UTC)The boy shows up within what feels like moments — had he already been on his way? Surely. He knocks at the door with loud, dense pounds of his fist. He's scowling when Iroh answers the door, deeper than usual, doesn't even try to smile or say hi. And... he has a black duffle bag full of stuff with him on one shoulder, and Zunyan perched on the other shoulder, wrapped around Zuko's neck in part. Zuko has the hood of his black sweatshirt up, and looks thoroughly disgruntled, far more so than Iroh had seen him in a long time, and disheveled, too. In fact, his hair is messy beneath the hood, his jeans are covered in dirt for some reason, and his good eye looks mildly puffy; and upon a closer look, for someone who knows the boy's face as well as Iroh does, the faint freckles of burst capillaries beneath the thin skin of his right undereye, his brow still knotted so deeply in frustration it almost hurt — the face of someone who's been crying and screaming furiously. And the look of someone who's clearly expecting an impromptu sleepover. ]
Re: action;
Date: 2021-06-03 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-03 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-04 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-04 03:38 am (UTC)Zuko's content to pace anxiously, though he does stop for a step to glance at the tea when Iroh comes and sets it down. As if considering his options: to calm down or to talk about it. He shoots his look away from the teaset sharply, waving his arms in the air dismissively as he turns to pick up the pace again. But still he says nothing. Until finally...
"...Mother is alive!"
His voice breaks, volume erratic, not at all using his inside voice. His tone shatters any calm Iroh's trying to establish here. He's just gonna drop that bomb, just like that, yup.
There is no such thing as an icon that works for Iroh at this moment.
Date: 2021-06-05 07:23 am (UTC)Anything but that.
It was only down to his years that he managed not to drop the Familiar - or his jaw - to the floor. He needed to understand what exactly Zuko meant to have any idea what to do from there. Because for the first time in years he was utterly blank. "She is here?" he asked, voice faking calm, as though he could pass some of that to the boy.
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Date: 2021-06-05 10:02 am (UTC)...And now he's here. Pacing and looking an emotional wreck. So clearly that went well...
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Date: 2021-06-05 12:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-07 05:58 am (UTC)He'd not usually be so crass around Iroh, but hanging out with Gokudera the past half a year has worsened the prince's language, and he's entirely too overwhelmed to hear himself right now. He slaps himself in the face with a groan, keeping his hand pressed over his eye in frustration, both eyes pinched shut because seeing is overstimulating the more worked up he gets. He feels so blind, anyway.
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Date: 2021-06-07 08:00 am (UTC)"Aside from if we do or do not remember, there are somethings that should not have been kept secrets. There are reasons, sometimes to keep a large secret. But Azula does not have the experience necessary to make such a decision." Which was the far far politer version of what he actually wanted to say. "It was not hers to make. The question is, now, Zuko, what do we do with what we now know?"
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Date: 2021-06-07 03:58 pm (UTC)His latent tenderness is conflicted by this budding friendship with Azula he'd tenuously built over the past half year... In order to preserve the peace they've designed together, the trust they've redefined, Zuko's come to have blurry eyes trying to differentiate between empathy and forgiveness, and justification and rationalization. Is he seeing things from a new, kinder perspective; or is he being manipulated into not 'abandoning' his sister, as she put it, when he probably should? This question has bothered him before, but now with Aang's big reveal, it's even more seering. His face feels hot and he feels the lump returning to his throat, so he just shakes his head and drags his hands down his face with some pressure, and returns to his pacing.
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Date: 2021-06-08 05:08 am (UTC)And he is adding this to his mental list for if and when he encounters Azula himself.
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Date: 2021-06-15 06:34 am (UTC)"...Tomorrow, Uncle. I'm tired. I want to stay here tonight." Like that wasn't already obvious with his duffle bag and general disposition. "...Maybe for a few nights, actually."
He's overwhelmingly thankful his uncle is here for this. That hand on his shoulder carries the weight of the world to him right now in exactly the way he needs. Gokudera had helped him prior to meeting Azula earlier that night, but after having actually confronted Azula now, the only person in the world who could comfort him, he felt, was standing here in front of him, making plans of his own.
Sorry I lack a good icon for this.
Date: 2021-06-17 08:47 am (UTC)"Tomorrow then. But Zuko, know this. No matter what happens, whatever you learn or chose to do... you are not in this alone."
it's cuuuute it's good~
Date: 2021-06-18 04:25 pm (UTC)Re: it's cuuuute it's good~
Date: 2021-06-19 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-06-19 03:34 am (UTC)"...No one protected Azula from Father," he says decisively, after his ruminative pause, not meeting Iroh's eye. "Mother left to protect me. But for Azula, she just left." He pauses once more, then turns his gaze to Iroh at last, something painful in it, the same vague and painful something tugging at the tone of his voice.
"...I know the whole story now. Do you want to know what really happened?"
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Date: 2021-06-19 06:42 am (UTC)"But yes, we can sit together with tea while you tell me."
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Date: 2021-06-19 09:28 am (UTC)“…The day we received the letter announcing Cousin Lu-Ten’s death, Father arranged an audience for all of us together with Grandfather Azulon. After Grandfather dismissed us to speak to Father privately, Azula and I hid behind the curtain in the throne room to eavesdrop…” He pauses, worrying his lip. He was only eleven; Azula was only nine. But he hates to bring up Lu-Ten or Ozai’s betrayal this way. Yet at the same time… it’s crucial context.
“Father begged Grandfather to revoke your birthright because you no longer had a bloodline as the firstborn without your family. But Grandfather was furious, Uncle, it was scary… I ran away, so I didn’t hear this myself, but, um— Azula stayed. And told me what she heard later. Grandfather punished Father for daring to suggest such betrayal when you were in such pain — by the same price you paid. The life of his firstborn son. I thought Azula was just messing with me back then and lying like she always did, but now I know it was true… And, um—“
He glances up at Iroh but then quickly away again, feeling highly uncomfortable relaying the poor old man’s role in the context of all this as it all becomes more concrete as he hears himself recap everything aloud. It’s truly awful. His face is gradually awash with more and more emotion, especially after his short pause to really realize the story he’s telling here, in regards to Iroh himself. A painstricken look. Uncomfortable. But empathetic still.
“…Mother overheard us talking about it. And, uh— took Azula away to find out more, I guess. Um— But …Azula wasn’t lying about Grandfather telling Father to kill me. And, um—“
He stops short, eyes darting the other way again. He can’t continue; he’s hitching here. But he knows he needs to reveal this to Iroh. But how can he? He’s talking about Iroh’s father… Azulon may not have been as loving as Ursa, but he was certainly not as hateful as Ozai. What’s more, will this change Iroh’s feelings toward Ursa, whom the man had always known to be doting of his nephew, a shared interest in the prince’s well-being and protection from Ozai — will this change Iroh’s feelings toward Zuko, he worries? He looks as frazzled as he feels.
I had to reup the paid for this thread...
Date: 2021-06-19 10:15 am (UTC)This was perhaps the hardest it has ever been. And he did not succeed. At least, not fully. He sat and listened, head bowed, hands closed together pressed between his knees. Parts of this he had known, but in truth... not much. Between how destroyed he had been when he arrived home and the questionable verisimilitude of the sources he hadn't focused much on it at the time.
He wished he could be surprised that his brother had tried something like that at that time, in that way. But the truth was, given how things played out, he could not. Of course at the time, he hadn't cared. He hadn't wanted to be Fire Lord. He had just come face to face with the reality of their so-called attempts to unite and civilize the world. Instead of observing and learning from the wall at Ba Sing Se, he had been sending innocent youths to die against it.
He had been questioning everything. But even now, even after everything that happened... Some part of him had wanted to believe there was some part of the brother he had loved left in the man his brother had become.
But in some ways he had come to expect by this point, here and now, the cruelty of his brother's single focused fixation with power.
But to hear what his father had ordered. That... That was new to him. And freshly painful because it was new. How could his father have thought that he would be what he would have wanted?
No... it had never been about what Iroh would have wanted. It wasn't about making Iroh feel justice had been done. It had been about power. About having a son who dared to question his judgment. His choice. It had never been about Lu-Ten or Iroh.
Iroh had long since lost any belief that his father had been a just or good man. But this...
Zuko was like a second son to Iroh now, and even before Iroh had always loved the boy. But even if he had not. Even if all love was removed from the equation - and clearly for Iroh's father and brother it had been - for a man to order his own grandson killed... to punish the boy's father for the father speaking out of turn....
For a leader to do it especially. But then he had long since understood that neither his brother nor his father ever truly understood what it took to be a real leader.
His shoulders shook as he listened, as it all washed over him. At the disgusted moment when he realized that what his brother had done to Zuko for talking out of turn was - in comparison - kind. It disgusted him.
The casual reminder within all of this that Azula would have lied about something like this just for the sake of amusement.
If not for Zuko... Iroh would think there was no good in the family at all. He knew it was not within him, himself. But Zuko was proof that there was at least something in their line worth loving and caring for. He was the hope for their family.
More than being a Fire Lord to a broken Fire Nation shattered by generations of unjust war... being the good in such a family was the heaviest weight to bear. And all Iroh could do was to do his best to help give Zuko strength.
He realized that Zuko had stopped speaking. Was waiting. Probably for him to reply. But for once no words came. He had none to offer. No wisdom, no comfort. Nothing. He knew that clearly Zuko had not died. That his own father had. That Zuko's mother was gone, but now knew she was not dead. He knew he had been pushed aside from the throne. But he didn't know what connected all of that, what happened next.
He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. But he knew that Zuko needed to tell him. Needed him to be strong enough to hear it.
But he wasn't sure he was. His nephew was all he had left, all the purpose left to his life. Being strong for Zuko. And he didn't know if he was equal to the task.
He knew tears were falling from his eyes. He knew Zuko needed him to be strong so her could listen and give Zuko the support he needed, the comfort, the strength to go forward. He had told himself once, that he would do whatever Zuko needed him to do, to be whatever Zuko needed him to be. Many times since he had feared that he had failed. But Zuko had always come through on the other end, had always survived. But now... Now he knew he was failing. He could even see how to not fail. All he had to do was nod, tell Zuko he was listening and then listen. He just had to come up with the right thing to say.
All that time he spent in a Fire Nation cell pretending to be crazy, pretending to be a fat old slob who was washed up and weak and pathetic, he thought... had had thought after that he could convince anyone of anything. He was wrong.
He couldn't find the words to comfort his boy. To help him. He couldn't find the strength to be what Zuko needed. He couldn't manage to do anything but sit beside the boy, too locked in his own pain to be of any help.
So. He was to be, in the end, as selfish and self centered as his brother then. And like everyone else in their family, he too was to fail Zuko.
He had failed Lu-Ten.
He had clearly failed Azula.
What had made him think that he could be strong enough to not fail Zuko?
hooooooooooo, heavy breathing reading that tag, pure artfulness holy shit this thread
Date: 2021-06-19 04:03 pm (UTC)He worries his bottom lip, eyes casting aside again as if searching for his next words strewn about the room. Iroh's a smart man. Zuko needn't put it bluntly. He'll spell it out, but even so, he's not sure he can bring himself to put it bluntly... He can't even bring himself to make eye contact just to dance around it. He feels a guilt in all this, even though he knows he shouldn't. He feels a guilt for existing — he was told as a child that he was lucky to ever be born, told off-the-cuff in a discussion about being bad at schoolwork that his father had wanted to kill him even as a baby. Iroh probably hadn't heard that story, either... Why would he have? That was just a casual moment between father and son, a typical day in the home with Ozai. Zuko can feel a lump growing in his throat as he deliberates, but swallows it when he gathers the nerve to continue.
"...On the Day of Black Sun, I spoke with Father. During the eclipse. And he— ...he said something that Azula confirmed tonight... that, um—" He stops short again and takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. "...Father told me that Mom proposed 'vicious, treasonous things' that day, for which she was banished. He didn't know if she was alive or not when I asked, but he told me that she begged him to spare my life and swore to protect me... 'at any cost.'" He remembers his father's words clearly, and finally glances back to Iroh, fixing his gaze on him at long last, face wrought with emotion anew at the sight of him again. His voice trembles a bit, feeling the need to add on... something. Empathy. Guilt. Condolences. Any number of feelings for this sordid mess of a family of theirs.
"...I-I'm sorry, Uncle."
Short but....
Date: 2021-06-20 06:52 am (UTC)And then Zuko apologized. Iroh opened his eyes and looked at his nephew, through his tears. "In all of this, Zuko, you are the one who owes no apologies," he said gravely. "It is we who have failed you."
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Date: 2021-06-20 07:24 am (UTC)"No, Uncle— you haven't failed me. I should have told you what I knew sooner, but I didn't know for certain... A-And— I think I didn't want to know, because I just thought Mother was dead, that Father was just goading me on that day in the bunker. But—" he hesitates once more, glancing aside but quickly returning his eye contact with new resolve. "There's more to the story. Mother's alive. The Avatar, his friends, Azula and I all found her together — in the future. She has a new life. A new husband with a new daughter — and a new face, with no memories of her life with us, granted by some Spirit, Azula said. I guess she couldn't live with her actions... I— I don't know what to think about that."
It definitely sours his opinion of Ursa, who'd been infallible before her leaving, his sole protector in the face of his father's abuse, in a life that was back then much, much smaller than his life now, and in fact rather centric around his mother. But he'd been told this in the context of her leaving Azula — he's alive and maybe not well, but he's alive. Azula's just alone. Ursa left Iroh fatherless and without his son, herself childless, and both her children motherless, just to keep Zuko alive. Gratitude isn't the first feeling that bubbles up inside the prince now tonight, though. It all tastes bitter.
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Date: 2021-06-20 11:38 am (UTC)What Zuko was facing wasn't just new, it was waiting in their future. If Zuko was right and they would not recall this... his nephew would have to face this pain twice.
"The spirits can be both kind and cruel in the same action. If we do not know the choices that laid the exact path, we know at least their heart. Your mother wished to save you."
He is trying. He is trying his hardest, to put his own pain aside for the moment. When Zuko is resting... he can mourn then.
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