uncle_iroh | Inbox for Sn: Pai Sho

Zuko's wrought with empathy for Iroh, gazing at the man with a pained expression. All day, he'd been thinking about himself, his mom, his relationship with Ursa, his loss. Then realized, in all this, poor Azula was the one who lost more and gained less, in the end... ...and after finishing those mental gymnastics, he's here now at first once more selfishly for comfort from Iroh about such an epiphany, only to realize Iroh is the one who's lost the most and gained the least. This whole day has just been devoted to violent flips of perspective, centered around his most tender pain... yet his reason for being, apparently. He feels ashamed. He can't help it. It's all about him — but not at all about him.

"No, Uncle— you haven't failed me. I should have told you what I knew sooner, but I didn't know for certain... A-And— I think I didn't want to know, because I just thought Mother was dead, that Father was just goading me on that day in the bunker. But—" he hesitates once more, glancing aside but quickly returning his eye contact with new resolve. "There's more to the story. Mother's alive. The Avatar, his friends, Azula and I all found her together — in the future. She has a new life. A new husband with a new daughter — and a new face, with no memories of her life with us, granted by some Spirit, Azula said. I guess she couldn't live with her actions... I— I don't know what to think about that."

It definitely sours his opinion of Ursa, who'd been infallible before her leaving, his sole protector in the face of his father's abuse, in a life that was back then much, much smaller than his life now, and in fact rather centric around his mother. But he'd been told this in the context of her leaving Azula — he's alive and maybe not well, but he's alive. Azula's just alone. Ursa left Iroh fatherless and without his son, herself childless, and both her children motherless, just to keep Zuko alive. Gratitude isn't the first feeling that bubbles up inside the prince now tonight, though. It all tastes bitter.

"When you are unsure, sometimes it is kinder to wait and to learn before you speak," he said softly. He was trying. Zuko needed him, and he was trying so very hard to be what Zuko needed. His own losses were not new. He was learning about them now, but they had happened long ago; and he needed to remember that.

What Zuko was facing wasn't just new, it was waiting in their future. If Zuko was right and they would not recall this... his nephew would have to face this pain twice.

"The spirits can be both kind and cruel in the same action. If we do not know the choices that laid the exact path, we know at least their heart. Your mother wished to save you."

He is trying. He is trying his hardest, to put his own pain aside for the moment. When Zuko is resting... he can mourn then.

Zuko nods, his face stern in thought, taking his uncle’s words of wisdom with some amount of guilt as much as appreciation. Iroh isn’t like a wisdom coin machine; put in information, get advice out. He feels bad like he’s taking advantage of the old man’s constant wish to comfort his nephew, delivering such information he feels so guilty for even though he’s faultless, as a child; it’s only Ozai who’s to be truly resented here. But because of Azula’s reaction… Zuko doesn’t think Ursa has come out looking so hot, herself. But what would be the alternative? Zuko’d be dead. How can he make any other argument not in his mother’s favor?

But Iroh is hurting as much as Zuko is, hearing all this, or at least in his own realm of pain. It’s alarming for everyone involved. Aang revealed something severe, something multi-tiered, more than the Avatar maybe even knew. Zuko had never told them about how he was banished or how he got his scar or all his family’s sordid personal history; it was always focused on their sordid international history, which the rest of the Gaang were already well aware of. He’d have a lot to sit down and talk to the Avatar about. It might be best to take a couple days off at Iroh’s flat to process things, sit with his thoughts. He’d been given only fair points by everyone, even Azula’s, and there was much to consider in what he was meant to do with this information now… There wasn’t much to do. But think. And adjust his lens. Perhaps that was all. But to what end?

He takes another glance at his uncle, sitting there wrought by emotion, and without a word in response to the good advice Iroh had offered, Zuko just gets up from his seat to walk over to Iroh’s chair and wraps his arms around the man’s shoulders, standing there beside him in the embrace. He could do at least that much to comfort his uncle, turn the tables a little. It’s funny, how much more physical he’s become in Avalon than in the touch-based Lunatia, ironically. But emotional openness and emotional need happen when they happen. He takes a moment of silence just to hug him loosely, but keeps his hand pressed to Iroh’s shoulder as he stands to speak.

“…I talked to Gokudera about it all before I talked to Azula. He pointed out the same thing, kind of — but about Azula keeping this from me. That I need to consider the path that leads people to their choices and examine their motivations from another angle, to listen and ask questions… That goes for Azula and Mom. I just have to think about it more, I guess. He told me to keep in mind I’m not going to get closure from this. And to be open… and fair.”

Although Gokudera and Iroh have quite different reactions to Azula, these are all points that surely the two forces of comfort and wisdom in Zuko’s life can agree on. Wait and listen. Wait and learn.

"Fair is a difficult road to walk, all the more-so when so much emotion is involved," he said softly. And yes, he was falling back on his role as wisdom coin machine, as Zuko put it, to keep himself together until Zuko was asleep.

And yes, of course he returned the hug.

"But if you are going to be a good Fire Lord, the kind we need but have not seen in a hundred years, fair is something you will need practice at. But remember, fairness needs to be tempered with compassion. You do not make a blade just by striking metal, you also need warmth."

"So... that means I should forgive Azula?"

Is that the takeaway there?! He keeps his hand on Iroh's shoulder, a thoughtful look on his face, softening a bit at last.

"That is not what I said, Zuko. But what I say is up to me, I can no more change what you hear than you can change what I say." Wait, did that even make sense? No. No it did not. He was... not doing well, right now.

"You need to first figure out how you feel, and only then decide what you should do."

There, that was better. Right?

It made sense to Zuko, who's clearly already inclined toward forgiveness, but indeed, needs time to sort it out. So he just nods, and pats his uncle on the back affectionately. Hey, for Zuko, that's a lot. He can only give so many hugs.

"Thank you, Uncle. I'm sorry. But thank you."

He meets Iroh's gaze with an earnest expression, the sincerity at least clear in his voice. Zuko can take a ball and run with it. But he's quite conscious by this point that in all this sordidness... Iroh's hurting, too. And for once, he wants to be there for his uncle, too, even as Iroh's trying so hard to be there for him.

Okay, okay, maybe one more hug. He's a lot more physical than he once was after half a year on a touch-based planet, okay — and he loves his uncle!

He returned the offered hug, gripping tightly. "You did nothing to be sorry for in this, Zuko," he said, his voice muffled by his nephew's shoulder. "There is nothing in this that is your fault."

"I know, but— ...it still happened because of me. And— I hate to see you hurting, Uncle."

It wasn't their typical dynamic and Zuko wasn't sure how to act exactly because of that. But how much Iroh is still trying to be of comfort to Zuko in this, how clear it is that that's his priority even with such news, Zuko can't help but feel moved and extra cognizant of his role as the bearer of bad news here. He may not be at fault, but he can recognize his role here and still empathize all the same. And saying it out loud is a big show of progress for him, too, in his time spent away from home. He wants to be there for Iroh for once, let the tables turn in this, and so he deliberately doesn't release the hug until the old man does.

He shook his head. "It happened because of my father and because of your father, Zuko. If someone pushes a child who cannot swim into a lake, and someone else dies to save the child, it is not the child's fault. Fault, like responsibility, comes with power. With agency. Your father and my father had power, the fault lies with them. What you can do now, Zuko," he said, he voice rougher than usual as he tried to hold in his own hurt, to push it aside for later, "is learn from this. Do not be the man they chose to be. See the pain that caused, and do not cause that pain in others. It is in you, Zuko, to be a great man. In a way they never could be."

Inbox for Sn: Pai Sho - Avalon

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