This.... This was painful to hear. And as Much as Iroh could usually push his own pain aside to put on the face that Zuko needed to see...
This was perhaps the hardest it has ever been. And he did not succeed. At least, not fully. He sat and listened, head bowed, hands closed together pressed between his knees. Parts of this he had known, but in truth... not much. Between how destroyed he had been when he arrived home and the questionable verisimilitude of the sources he hadn't focused much on it at the time.
He wished he could be surprised that his brother had tried something like that at that time, in that way. But the truth was, given how things played out, he could not. Of course at the time, he hadn't cared. He hadn't wanted to be Fire Lord. He had just come face to face with the reality of their so-called attempts to unite and civilize the world. Instead of observing and learning from the wall at Ba Sing Se, he had been sending innocent youths to die against it.
He had been questioning everything. But even now, even after everything that happened... Some part of him had wanted to believe there was some part of the brother he had loved left in the man his brother had become.
But in some ways he had come to expect by this point, here and now, the cruelty of his brother's single focused fixation with power.
But to hear what his father had ordered. That... That was new to him. And freshly painful because it was new. How could his father have thought that he would be what he would have wanted?
No... it had never been about what Iroh would have wanted. It wasn't about making Iroh feel justice had been done. It had been about power. About having a son who dared to question his judgment. His choice. It had never been about Lu-Ten or Iroh.
Iroh had long since lost any belief that his father had been a just or good man. But this...
Zuko was like a second son to Iroh now, and even before Iroh had always loved the boy. But even if he had not. Even if all love was removed from the equation - and clearly for Iroh's father and brother it had been - for a man to order his own grandson killed... to punish the boy's father for the father speaking out of turn....
For a leader to do it especially. But then he had long since understood that neither his brother nor his father ever truly understood what it took to be a real leader.
His shoulders shook as he listened, as it all washed over him. At the disgusted moment when he realized that what his brother had done to Zuko for talking out of turn was - in comparison - kind. It disgusted him.
The casual reminder within all of this that Azula would have lied about something like this just for the sake of amusement.
If not for Zuko... Iroh would think there was no good in the family at all. He knew it was not within him, himself. But Zuko was proof that there was at least something in their line worth loving and caring for. He was the hope for their family.
More than being a Fire Lord to a broken Fire Nation shattered by generations of unjust war... being the good in such a family was the heaviest weight to bear. And all Iroh could do was to do his best to help give Zuko strength.
He realized that Zuko had stopped speaking. Was waiting. Probably for him to reply. But for once no words came. He had none to offer. No wisdom, no comfort. Nothing. He knew that clearly Zuko had not died. That his own father had. That Zuko's mother was gone, but now knew she was not dead. He knew he had been pushed aside from the throne. But he didn't know what connected all of that, what happened next.
He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. But he knew that Zuko needed to tell him. Needed him to be strong enough to hear it.
But he wasn't sure he was. His nephew was all he had left, all the purpose left to his life. Being strong for Zuko. And he didn't know if he was equal to the task.
He knew tears were falling from his eyes. He knew Zuko needed him to be strong so her could listen and give Zuko the support he needed, the comfort, the strength to go forward. He had told himself once, that he would do whatever Zuko needed him to do, to be whatever Zuko needed him to be. Many times since he had feared that he had failed. But Zuko had always come through on the other end, had always survived. But now... Now he knew he was failing. He could even see how to not fail. All he had to do was nod, tell Zuko he was listening and then listen. He just had to come up with the right thing to say.
All that time he spent in a Fire Nation cell pretending to be crazy, pretending to be a fat old slob who was washed up and weak and pathetic, he thought... had had thought after that he could convince anyone of anything. He was wrong.
He couldn't find the words to comfort his boy. To help him. He couldn't find the strength to be what Zuko needed. He couldn't manage to do anything but sit beside the boy, too locked in his own pain to be of any help.
So. He was to be, in the end, as selfish and self centered as his brother then. And like everyone else in their family, he too was to fail Zuko.
He had failed Lu-Ten.
He had clearly failed Azula.
What had made him think that he could be strong enough to not fail Zuko?
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timeasmymeasure
I had to reup the paid for this thread...
Date: 2021-06-19 10:15 am (UTC)This was perhaps the hardest it has ever been. And he did not succeed. At least, not fully. He sat and listened, head bowed, hands closed together pressed between his knees. Parts of this he had known, but in truth... not much. Between how destroyed he had been when he arrived home and the questionable verisimilitude of the sources he hadn't focused much on it at the time.
He wished he could be surprised that his brother had tried something like that at that time, in that way. But the truth was, given how things played out, he could not. Of course at the time, he hadn't cared. He hadn't wanted to be Fire Lord. He had just come face to face with the reality of their so-called attempts to unite and civilize the world. Instead of observing and learning from the wall at Ba Sing Se, he had been sending innocent youths to die against it.
He had been questioning everything. But even now, even after everything that happened... Some part of him had wanted to believe there was some part of the brother he had loved left in the man his brother had become.
But in some ways he had come to expect by this point, here and now, the cruelty of his brother's single focused fixation with power.
But to hear what his father had ordered. That... That was new to him. And freshly painful because it was new. How could his father have thought that he would be what he would have wanted?
No... it had never been about what Iroh would have wanted. It wasn't about making Iroh feel justice had been done. It had been about power. About having a son who dared to question his judgment. His choice. It had never been about Lu-Ten or Iroh.
Iroh had long since lost any belief that his father had been a just or good man. But this...
Zuko was like a second son to Iroh now, and even before Iroh had always loved the boy. But even if he had not. Even if all love was removed from the equation - and clearly for Iroh's father and brother it had been - for a man to order his own grandson killed... to punish the boy's father for the father speaking out of turn....
For a leader to do it especially. But then he had long since understood that neither his brother nor his father ever truly understood what it took to be a real leader.
His shoulders shook as he listened, as it all washed over him. At the disgusted moment when he realized that what his brother had done to Zuko for talking out of turn was - in comparison - kind. It disgusted him.
The casual reminder within all of this that Azula would have lied about something like this just for the sake of amusement.
If not for Zuko... Iroh would think there was no good in the family at all. He knew it was not within him, himself. But Zuko was proof that there was at least something in their line worth loving and caring for. He was the hope for their family.
More than being a Fire Lord to a broken Fire Nation shattered by generations of unjust war... being the good in such a family was the heaviest weight to bear. And all Iroh could do was to do his best to help give Zuko strength.
He realized that Zuko had stopped speaking. Was waiting. Probably for him to reply. But for once no words came. He had none to offer. No wisdom, no comfort. Nothing. He knew that clearly Zuko had not died. That his own father had. That Zuko's mother was gone, but now knew she was not dead. He knew he had been pushed aside from the throne. But he didn't know what connected all of that, what happened next.
He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. But he knew that Zuko needed to tell him. Needed him to be strong enough to hear it.
But he wasn't sure he was. His nephew was all he had left, all the purpose left to his life. Being strong for Zuko. And he didn't know if he was equal to the task.
He knew tears were falling from his eyes. He knew Zuko needed him to be strong so her could listen and give Zuko the support he needed, the comfort, the strength to go forward. He had told himself once, that he would do whatever Zuko needed him to do, to be whatever Zuko needed him to be. Many times since he had feared that he had failed. But Zuko had always come through on the other end, had always survived. But now... Now he knew he was failing. He could even see how to not fail. All he had to do was nod, tell Zuko he was listening and then listen. He just had to come up with the right thing to say.
All that time he spent in a Fire Nation cell pretending to be crazy, pretending to be a fat old slob who was washed up and weak and pathetic, he thought... had had thought after that he could convince anyone of anything. He was wrong.
He couldn't find the words to comfort his boy. To help him. He couldn't find the strength to be what Zuko needed. He couldn't manage to do anything but sit beside the boy, too locked in his own pain to be of any help.
So. He was to be, in the end, as selfish and self centered as his brother then. And like everyone else in their family, he too was to fail Zuko.
He had failed Lu-Ten.
He had clearly failed Azula.
What had made him think that he could be strong enough to not fail Zuko?